Nate Says: Why So Serious?

Athletic Videogames Give Rise to Star Athletes

“It’s just kind of like, you know, once you get desensitized to making incredible plays, half-court shots and dunking from the three-point line, there’s really nothing to it. You just get out there and do it.”

NBA Jam is perhaps the first basketball videogame to give rise to super human athletes like Kobe Bryant.

NBA Jam breeding star athletes like rabbits. Possibly linked to LeBron James' career.

A shocking admission from basketball’s latest rising star, Anthony Dribbler*. These are difficult times for career athletes when kids as young as 3 and 4 years old can start training to be their professional rivals from the comfort of their own bedrooms with a fist-full of cheerios.

Athletic videogames are conditioning young children to have million dollar contracts handed to them by the time they gain full motor skills and can lace their own sneakers.

We asked psychologist and anti-videogame spokesperson Jerry Jumper* to comment on the recent trend of amazing basketball skills seen on the courts these days by kids as young as 18 years old.

No… that’s… that’s ridiculous. Why would videogames have anything to do with that? And I’m not an anti-videogame spokesperson. Why did you even say that?

Chilling. As this sky-rocketing trend continues, as detailed in the chart below, there seems to be no sign of this trend slowing down any time soon. As athletic videogames continue to get more realistic, even training our children to negotiate with franchise owners and advertising agencies, parents should start considering early on when to talk to their children about their life ambitions.

Chart showing a huge trend upwards, containing data, probably of the amount of food Americans waste each year.

*Data provided by Google Image Search.

Micah’s six years old. He… well, he just started playing with this super-bounce ball, but he’d run at the trash can with it and say he was “dunking” it. That’s when I knew it was probably time to start limiting his play time with those videogames until he can decide if there’s anything else he wants to do with his life, like, an actual career.

This random suburban mom that we seemingly pulled out of thin air coincidentally has the exact same opinion as us giving weight to our argument and should now have you considering what types of games we’re talking about so we’re going to tell you it’s probably games made by EA Sports. You should check the cassette’s box for this company’s name and consider your child at risk if you allow them to play games which include basketballs, hoops and a points system.

If you suspect your child is already considering a basketball career, it’s not too late to seek help or introduce your child to other career paths such as Culinary Arts with games like Cooking Mama, or Formula One Racing with Forza. Certainly, embracing these scapegoats will ensure we never have to discuss parenting and paying attention to our children as they grow older.

This has been another news report giving you your opinion for you. Thanks for listening.

*The names have been changed to protect the fake names I originally made up.

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