Nate Says: Why So Serious?

GM Says: “Hummer Discontinued, Hip-Hop Dead”

Hummer FinishedChinese manufacturer Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machines Co. failed to get clearance from Chinese regulators to complete acquisition of GM’s flaming turd Hummer. For the last year, GM has been seeking suckers to purchase their losing brand and signed a deal in October 2009 with Tengzhong. China’s auto industry is booming, but regulators are working to streamline and slow investment rather than attract newcomers.

In a statement, Tengzhong said it was disappointed that it could not pursue the opportunity to build attractive, greener vehicles for sale in China and other new markets as well as Hummer’s traditional bases.

John Smith, GM vice president of corporate planning and alliances, stated shortly after, “The Hummer line is the only brand in the world that can claim a ‘most fuel-efficient’ model (H3) and still only get 16 mpg. I think they’re going to be really sorry they missed out on this.”

“I guess, there is … God,” said an anonymous Tengzhong representative in broken English. “We say buy, but no one know why. We people, very small. Hummer, very big. No sense. Thanking God for no deal.” When asked if hindsight in this failed acquisition in fact created a brighter outlook for them going forward, they rattled off a few sentences in Chinese that our translator quoted as:

“Basically, he said, if you spit-shine a turd, it’s still a turd. America buys turds from us, not the other way around.”

Sales peaked at 71,524 in 2006. But in December 2009, only 325 Hummers were sold, down 85 percent from the previous year, according to Autodata Corp. A little behind America’s music curve, Hip Hop is just starting to take off in China and most of the revenue generated for the Hummer line was speculated to come from poorly made, wildly over-priced accessories for the Chinese rappers. Thinking back to the last time we saw a Hummer in a music video in America, we asked GM what kind of impact this has had on their sales.

GM spokesman Nick Richards had this to say:

“With Lil’ Wayne in jail, Eminem clean, and Kanye not able to keep his mouth shut outside the recording studio, things have gone from bad to worse for us.”

He continued, “The good news is, we might be able to bring back the Cadillac. We see this as an opportunity to bring the Escalade to Pop Rock, which seems to be doing a lot better again but Lamborghini is still way out of reach for them. Plus, ‘Escalade’ is much easier to rhyme with than ‘Rover’ and you know how disingenuous Pop writers are.”

Richards then went on a two minute and ten second free-style rhyming things with “‘Lade” to demonstrate his point, ending with, “We may even help them along by introducing the Lemonade Escalade in 2012, but nothing’s for sure yet.”

Saturn was the first brand failed to be sold by GM as a part of its restructuring. John Smith admitted, “Hummer was a disappointing miss, but we’re not even going to try to sell Pontiac, we’re just pulling the plug on that crap pile.”

Asking for some closing comments, Chinese Hip Hop star Tang King from group Red Star stated:

“Hummer? That what she say. ROR!”

This post is based on a true story.
The names are real, but the quotes have been changed.
  • This post literally made my day. Great stuff. Nice twist…what is the over/under on someone tweeting it as a “real news story” rather than a satirical look at a “real news story”?

  • please tell me ROR stands for “raugh out roud”… awesome 🙂

  • @Thomas – Never know until you try?

    @Tim – Nice! I was a little worried about people “getting” that one. haha

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