Nate Says: Why So Serious?

KFC Doubles Down to Ante Up on Obesity

The KFC Double Down – an inside out chicken cordon blue in a wrapper – has created some controversy.

The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine (PCRM) released a scathing news report on April 12th requesting KFC avoid marketing the Double Down to children. The claim stated that if childhood obesity was a space craft, the Double Down has created a new form of rocket fuel.

Protect the Children

The PCRM aims to prevent ads for the sandwich from appearing within 500 yards of schools and other places where children are present, or in other words, everywhere all the time. However, the number of children driving themselves to KFCs and purchasing food without adult supervision is not a concern.

They’re even calling for a warning label that would read: “WARNING — Eating meat can contribute to obesity in children, and can increase their risk for heart disease, diabetes, cancer and double down syndrome.” I asked the PCRM to specify the outcome they would hope to see from the inclusion of this warning and if it was intended to warn children or adults.

“You eat this today, you’re obesely cancerous tomorrow – bottom line. Have cake, smoke cigarettes, drink light beer; don’t eat the Double Down.”

Despite the lack of clarification in the statement, I felt uncomfortable, pledged my allegience and hung up.

Alternate Concerns

Another group up in arms, Atkins Dieters are upset and confused over how to order.

“If this no-bread fad catches on, how are we supposed to continue to express our desire to lose weight in fast food drive thrus?”

This has also blazed a trail for a new Anti-Atkins Non-Dieters Group in which members are requesting a bun be included with their Double Down at no extra cost. They determined that “Atkins freaks” have been paying for buns they haven’t been getting for years and “now is the time for us to get those buns back“.

The controversy over calories in the Double Down has actually been under investigation for almost a year already. I asked KFC Public Relations Representative Rick Maynard what obstacles they faced in reaching their caloric goal.

“We realized the calorie count was going to be astronomical, so we thought what if we took out caloric ingredients and replaced them with something else. We instantly thought sodium – there’s zero calories in sodium. After a lot of research we discovered by color-matching large quantities of sodium to the chicken breasts we could replace a majority of the meat with this calorie-free alternative.”

The Biggest Loser hopeful Jim Harkins has been to KFC every day since the new meatwich hit the grill.

“Last year, I barely missed the final cut to get on the show. With the Double Down, I’m pretty confident I’ll be able to reach critical mass and get what little health I have left to circle the bowl in no time at all.”

Sandwich experts at Wikipedia are reviewing the legitimacy of the Double Down being called a “sandwich,” considering there is no bread on or around the main ingredients.

Among the rejected names for the Double Down were:

  • Meat Mittens
  • Fab Slabs
  • Poultry Pile
  • O-Beast-ity
  • The Colonel Killer

First Hand Experience

Lacking perspective for this article, I consulted with friend and Consumerologist Blake Pertuset who had this to say:

A few months back I recall reading an article about a new fast food item that was being tested in select markets. These included states such as South Dakota, (lowest public school test scores) and New Mexico (highest weight per citizen). I suppose it makes sense to test a warlock of this nature in areas that are perhaps more genetically predisposed to choosing items with the highest MSG and high fructose corn syrup content by default. Since then, due to its extreme nature, the KFC “Double Down” sandwich has spread to nationwide stardom.

At the time I read about it, I won’t deny that I dubbed this bun-less, fun-less monstrosity “the reason that terrorists hate America”. However, after refusing to partake for so long, I finally gave in and tried it on April 27, 2010; a day that will live in infamy.

Much to my surprise, it was neither as messy nor as heavy as I had anticipated. I suppose that it may make more sense to most to be more of a “knife and fork” food item, but even with that being said it wasn’t difficult to eat with the wrapper they use. I can honestly say that I felt fatter ordering it than I did after I had eaten it, which was a feat in and of itself. It’s not something that I plan to eat on a regular basis, but I must say that it managed to prove me wrong.

You win Colonel…this time.

One KFC Double Down has become self-aware and started tweeting, thanking consumers for feasting on its family. There is no official word yet from the PCRM if they are seeking a restraining order on this Double Down for communicating with children.

This post is largely fictional & intended to be satirical
in nature. It should be kept away from those without a
sense of humor or above average blood pressure.
  • Still to date, the best tasting fast food I have eaten–way better than a Big Mac. What’s cooler? The Double Down’s ability to Tweet me WHILE I eat it…simply incredible! Changing the way we look at obesity, I am okay with being obese, if it tastes THIS good AND can multitask like a social media guru!

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.