Nate Says: Why So Serious?

Red Robin Burgers

Do I love Red Robin burgers?

There once was a time when grabbing a burger was an event.

Before there was mass marketing to romanticize the garbage passing as a burger does these days, people ate burgers because they were awesome. You didn’t need to convince anyone to go buy a burger. All it took was the fact that you had one before, to want one again as soon as possible.

I’m talking about two-handed, gotta-take-a-break-half-way-through burgers. I’m talking wear a dirty shirt and wash your hands because you’re about to bathe in the blessings of perfectly crafted livestock. 

I dream of the time before, “Hey, you wanna go grab a burger?” prompted a, “Hmm, meh, I dunno,” response.

You should put it on your calendar and anticipate the exact moment you sit down and don’t even look at the menu. You know what you’re there for. And if you’re not the planning type, “Bro, we should go get some burgers,” is the best idea anyone can ever have on any given day.

And yeah, I said sit and menu. If you can walk up to a counter and get a burger in under 30 seconds, go home. Buy a taco. You don’t want that crap. It’s insulting. Get mad.

And don’t take a burger home with you. You double-fist that masterpiece in the environment it was born into. And once you’re half-way through, you set it down in its perfectly folded wax paper wrapper, sit back and wonder if you’ve ever really done anything significant enough in your life to deserve the position you’re in at that moment. Then, you go home alone afterwards and think about what you’ve just done.

You sit on your couch and write an entire blog post about it and pray that when you close your eyes for the night you’ll dream it all over again.

Weep, just for a moment, wondering if you ate it too fast. Promise to take longer next time. But hey man, you’re only human and restraint of that caliber just doesn’t exist. Nay, it can’t coexist with the burger. That would dismantle the foundation of everything we’re talking about.

Your day was perfect. You can’t remember a single bad thing that happened to you that day due to the blinding satisfaction of your burger. If tasting things were therapy, this burger would be the grand-daddy of all uppers.

Where do these dreams manifest?

Red Robin.

Red Robin burgers make me remember good things still happen in this world.

Do I love Red Robin burgers?

More accurately, I am in love with them.

  • this reminds me of the How I Met Your Mother, burger episode. Where they go in search of a burger joint that Marshall had eaten at years before and even include Regis Philbin in the hunt.

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